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    The Rowboat Watchlist and other taxes you should pay // Kristen Kalp

    He hands his driver’s license over and they check it against a list of names before nodding solemnly: he’s allowed to rent the rowboat.

    We load our vessel up with fishing poles and bait, towels, water, snacks. Flip flops, sunscreen, more towels. (You can never have too many.)

    We spend an hour casting and casting, not catching a thing. The kids whine that his bait is bigger, that the worm is dead, that the worm is ALIVE AND THE WHOLE BAIT BUCKET SPILLED HELP, that it’s hot and I’m thirsty and can we go swimming now?

    We get stuck in the seaweed on our way back to shore. There are tense moments when we are completely swamped at the edge of the lake, out of snacks and wryly observing the fuzzy green goose poop floating our way.

    Finally! At long last! We’re free. We are all too melty and miserable to pretend we like fishing anymore, so we slip our feet into the water. Bear revs the engine. The kids rock the boat from side to side, only gently flailing because they’re convinced it will capsize. Bear rams his weight to one side and then the other. We squeal with delight, sure we’re about to flip. Again, again! All of us belly laugh for the first time that afternoon.

    The lifeguards yell from shore for us to stop.

    We keep shifting back and forth, not quite stopping, because COME ON IT’S A SLIGHTLY PUMPED UP ROWBOAT WHERE’S THE HARM.

    Except um. Returning the boat takes an unusually long time. Bear is ultra-quiet on the walk back to the car.

    He slips me a sign as we start driving: 2 fingers, then 5. I give him the raised eyebrow.

    “Twenty-five?”
    Nod.
    “Twenty-five dollars? We were FINED?”
    Nod.
    ::mumbles:: “And we were added to the list.”
    “The Rowboat Watch List?”
    Another nod.
    “We’ll be warned if we rent a boat there again.”
    ::cue laughter of epic, falling down on the ground and crying proportions on my part::

    REALLY THIS IS A REAL THING THERE’S A ROWBOAT WATCH LIST.

    When they took Bear’s driver’s license and scanned it against the enormous list in the back of the rental shed, they were checking for his rowboat…terror potential.

    Excessive rockers, foot danglers, speed demons, capsizing individuals, those unfortunate souls who get stuck in the seaweed: all on the list.

    This is wonderful, it’s like we had to pay a Ruffian Tax! I’m thrilled. (And I gave Bear $25 so I could tell this story to all of you.)

    I encourage you to get put on every Rowboat Watch List possible.

    Pay all the Ruffian Taxes you can find.

    Ruffian Taxes are meant to keep you from (literally) rocking the boat, causing any sort of trouble, or having any even-slightly-outside-the-rules fun. Pay them gladly, then do whatever the fuck makes you heart open so wide it hurts.

    In business, that might mean that you swear as frequently in your business as you do in real life, or let out your weird, or make inappropriate analogies of all kinds to get your point across. It might mean you say “fuck productivity” or make space for more time away from your laptop in the name of bringing your most brilliant work to the world.

    Being added to the Rowboat Watch List in business means that you go your own way. (And yes, that’s a link to my book of the same name, which is totally free. Peeps have called it the best business book they’ve ever read — probably because it’s the first business book that didn’t put them to sleep by page 23.)

    Please please please sweetly, softly, and relentlessly pursue your truth.

    Let the lifeguards yell from shore: that’s not allowed! That’s inappropriate! You aren’t behaving like everyone else!

    Sometimes you’ll be fined. Sometimes you’ll be banned from the facility.

    This is the cost, and I hope you pay it every freaking time.  Because being on the Rowboat Watch List — whether on the weekend or in business — means you’ll always have the biggest belly laughs and the most fun.

    With all my love –
    K

    P.S. If you’re the one who’s always getting called out, shut down, or screamed at from shore? You’re probably magic. Magic often feels like broken, and M-School helps you bring your magical nature to business in practical, everyday ways.

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    How to stop an idea tornado // Brand Camp

    If you’ve ever been caught in an idea tornado, you can identify the symptoms:

    You have endless ideas.

    And cute notebook sketches of said ideas.

    And you have daydreams about your ideas while driving, showering, and otherwise going about your day that result in…

    …even MORE brilliant ideas. (No really, we’re talking multi-million dollar ideas!)

    These ideas are languishing in notebooks, on scraps of paper, in your iPhone, on your hard drive, and in your mental daydream files, but they aren’t actually coming to life.

    Idea tornadoes exist to get you all fired up about dreaming, but they don’t stop without your active control. When you stop an idea tornado, you get to bring something to life. Something only you can produce. Maybe it’s something fun, maybe it’s something profitable, but hopefully it’s both.

    In today’s episode of That’s What She Said, I talk about how to get yourself out of an idea tornado and into action.

    You’ll answer some simple questions, you’ll make some schedule changes, and baddabing baddaboom, no more tornado.

    P.S. If you’re like, “SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW NOT SIMPLE WHAT YOU’RE SAYING IS, I’VE BEEN STUCK IN AN IDEA TORNADO FOR MONTHS NOW,” I can help. Dominatrixing — my version of 1-on-1 biz coaching — is my jam, and there are spots booking now. Let’s get out of the tornado together.

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    Top 10 episodes of That's What She Said podcast

    When you start any creative project or enterprise, your peeps will have favorites. They’ll write you notes or make comments about stuff and you’ll be all, “Yah? THAT was helpful? Really?”

    These are the That’s What She Said podcast episodes deemed most interesting, informative, helpful, witty, and/or useful by virtue of their having garnered the most listens.

    Also I’ve share my top choices, because (IT’S MY SHOW DAMMIT) and there are a few episodes that deserve a listen even if they don’t have the spiffiest, bullet-point-iest titles.

    Depression and running your business

    This episode is far and away the most popular episode of That’s What She Said, as it handles my ins and outs of fumbling through depression while also earning a full-time, no-backup income from my business. The Depression Chronicles include the rest of my notes, battles with, and tips about struggling through depression over the years.

    Pay Me, Dammit!

    When it comes to getting paid, most of us aren’t as tough and alpha and in charge as we’d like. Most of us need a few words of encouragement to get people to pay us, reimburse us, buy from us, or otherwise give us the dollars. Pay Me, Dammit! includes seven straightforward strategies for bringing money you’re owed (as well as new money) into your business. (This class is also included as part of the free Introverts at Work sample bundle, which you can download right here.)

    How to give fear the finger

    If creative peeps and business owners didn’t face fear, we’d all be making endless projects and launching the shit out of them all the time. Instead, we get scared. We delay the books, we don’t finish the projects, we put off making the phone call to that person who offered to promote us, we hide in our homes and pretend our houses need a deep cleaning and our hard drives need to be more organized and our books need to be sorted by color, no author, no subject…you get the idea.

    When your fear isn’t trying to get you home at 4 a.m. on the subway by guiding you through the streets — when it’s just sabotaging your creative life with the fire of a thousand suns as you try to do something simple like make a poem or a painting or a photograph or a lesson or an object — it’s okay to give it the finger. Here’s how.

    Input, output, and getting way more done

    Have you ever felt tired in ways that sleep couldn’t touch? Not physically tired, but bone weary. Depleted. Absolutely out of fucks.

    In those moments when you’re most exhausted, you’re not facing an “I need to sleep in” issue. You’re facing an input issue. This episode of That’s What She Said dives deep into what you need most when you’re functioning at something like 3% capacity.

    When you feel like a fraud

    …self-explanatory. ;)

    Moving through fear and all the other feels

    It seems that our default as humans is to shut down our emotions when they’re anything but happy skipping lalala joy and rainbows. We stuff them down, cover them with food, drown them in alcohol, smoke them away, tuck them out of sight, or otherwise do some version of OH SWEET LORD I’LL DO ANYTHING TO NOT FEEL THE FEELS.

    What if we stopped doing that? One feel at a time. Starting now.

    …and now, my favorites. If you’re new to me or to the podcast, this is where I recommend you start.

    Stop drinking the unicorn blood (and put down that horcrux)

    You guys! This is, hands down, my favorite episode of That’s What She Said. It’s Harry Potter meets podcasting meets business in a way that you’re guaranteed to enjoy. I’m not saying anymore than that — just go and listen.

    Magic often feels like broken

    If someone had scooped me up at age 7 and whispered, “Don’t worry, it’s just that you’re magic,” I would have saved myself the following 27 years of freaking out and feeling like no part of me was normal. I would have realized that yes, I still have a body and have to sleep and eat and be human, but the rest of me is basically pure magic.

    I’ve been shamed for it, others have tried to scream it out of me, I’ve been told I’m a terrible employee and that I would never be able to work for anyone ever again. I’ve had lovers make fun of my hair and my outfits and my work. I’ve had accountants and bosses and old white men laugh in my face when I told them my ideas.

    …and I’ve survived, magic intact.

    This is for you, friend, because magic often feels like broken.

    The 3 types of business time

    When I figured this out, my daily schedule changed. I tend to put most of my daily emphasis on making. You might put your daily business emphasis on getting shit done — e-mailing, accounting, invoicing, shipping, editing — but both of us ignore moguling. Find out what it is, how it works, and why it’s so damn important in this episode.

    Find Your Spirit Animal

    …because why not? It would appear that in a past life I was some sort of wise woman and in this life, that means I can help you find your spirit animal in under ten minutes. My own spirit animal, Momo, has helped me to face my fears on many occasions, and makes me laugh when I least expect it. I know you think it’s weird. I don’t care. Go find it.

    [Your Episode Title Here]
    Which big questions are you grappling with, which circumstances do you find yourself in again and again (and again, dammit!), when do you find being in business the hardest or most frustrating? Which patterns do you notice in yourself or others that you want to talk more about?

    Tell me all about it…

    P.S. Here’s where you can listen to every That’s What She Said episode.

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    3 ways to love marketing // Kristen Kalp

    If you’ll kindly recall my slightly made-up but quite accurate modes of keeping business time from this That’s What She Said podcast, there are three types of time we have in every day.

    Magic time, which is dedicated to doing the work that only you can do;
    muggle time, which is dedicated to taking care of the physical world work that simply must be done;
    and mogul time, the often-overlooked time in which you show the world your work and ask people of the world to buy it.

    In this episode of That’s What She Said, we delve into not only routinely completing mogul time, but learning to actually love it.

    I’ll take a guess at what’s keeping you from moguling in the first place, share ten starting points for your moguling practice, and throw down with kind-but-honest, practical-but-potentially-painful observations about what why you might hate marketing your business right now.

    Also: castles! Angry alligators! Snail mail! Listen in to get the most practical, simple, and effective marketing advice I’ve given in years.

    P.S. If you wanna get better at marketing, you’ll need a marketing calendar, an e-mail list, and a free copy of Go Your Own Way. Go get ’em!

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    Making Space in your business

    Summer is one of the few times society reserves for slowing down. (Also it’s one of the few times that reading a book is a LEGIT activity. I’ll meet you on the beach with a stack of ’em.) Suddenly, it’s okay to take more than an hour to respond to e-mails, you’re ‘allowed’ to go on vacation, and you don’t have to work weekends or overtime in order to ‘count’ as an upstanding member of society.

    LET’S MILK SUMMER FOR ALL IT’S WORTH, PEOPLE.

    Let’s make space for more than simply slowing down; let’s actively reclaim the bits of our selves, our lives, and our businesses that have been consumed by the general muck-y creep of being alive. And let’s do it with 4 5-minute-ish podcasts, because shouldn’t you be at the beach by now?

    Let’s get to making space.

    Making space, like getting out from under the e-mail monster and engaging in revolutionary acts guaranteed to help you tighten the grip of your inbox on your life.

    What if you spent less time fiddling with e-mail and more time doing absolutely nothing productive?

    Making space, like refusing to give one more drop of attention to people, places, organizations, or businesses that take, alter, use, drain, or manipulate your energy. (Whether you acknowledge it or not, every single interaction you have during every moment of every day affects your energy. Making healthier choices means eliminating the uselessly bad, awful, terrible, or stabby energy where you find it.)

    What if you eliminated your favorite forms of perfection porn from your life?

    Making space, like allowing the not-so-great bits of your life to reveal their lessons in a blaze of messy glory.

    What if you stopped beating yourself up for that thing that was definitely-with-a-capital-D a failure?

    Making space, like allowing money to come into your business instead of spending all your time being very, very busy making stuff and then never sharing it, or sharing it but never asking people to buy it, or asking people to buy it but making them click 17 links to get to checkout. (Not that I’ve ever been guilty of aaaaaany of these things…never.)

    What if you made time for money to flow into your life as easily as you allow coffee to flow into your cup each morning? We all know caffeine and dollars go hand in hand. ;)

    P.S. This episode of That’s What She Said is worth your time if you want to learn more about magic, muggle, and mogul time, which are discussed in Making Space for Money.

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