Oh, hi! I’m Kristen Kalp, and you’re about to understand the extent of my nerdiness.
According to the Multiverse Theory of the Universe, everything that can happen at any given time already is happening in some other, parallel universe.
Somewhere, one of your parallel selves didn’t shower and is eating ice cream while watching Bravo reruns. Somewhere, you’re wearing a ball gown and dancing the night away. And somewhere, everything is the same but you have six pack abs.
Over the course of a few decades, your multiverse self really racks up some achievements.
So, instead of giving you my normal resume, I’m hitting with my multiverse one. It’s way more interesting.
+ Is working on her Ph.D. in Joy, but keeps getting distracted by confetti and bookstores.
+ Has access to the Top Secret Files of the Governor Elect of the Universe (but only on Tuesdays).
+ Once climbed to the other end of the rainbow, where she met Spike, her pet unicorn.
+ Knows all the spells in the Restricted Section.
+ Flagrantly eats Pop Rocks while drinking Coke.
+ Gave up gambling at age four, after making her first million.
+ Once used time travel to dine with Jesus, Bill Clinton & Cleopatra. Left when things got ugly.
+ Can fix a Flux Capacitor in no time flat. (It goes without saying.)
+ Is actually Oprah’s most trusted friend, but deploys the Gayle device to elude paparazzi.
+ Invented Spanx, but sold the idea for some cake batter ice cream.
+ Has the cure for male pattern baldness but is holding it hostage until Movember stops being a thing.
+ Rides a grizzly bear to the grocery store when the unicorn is grumpy.
+ Houses the world’s only secure High Five Line to the President.
+ Raises dragons in her spare time.
+ Does yoga on hot coals each morning just to stay humble.
+ Regularly drinks absinthe with the spirit of Oscar Wilde.
+ Pre-emptively saved humanity from The Red Death. (Never heard of it? You’re welcome.)
+ Masquerades as Kristen Kalp, writer and muggle, on days ending in -y.
She has also:
+ coached hundreds of paying clients in person, online, and via phone
+ lugged 36 pounds of confetti in carry-on luggage in order to end a keynote speech with a few-hundred-person glitter battle
+ raised $30,000+ for Flying Kites orphanage through these books
Wait. Shit. Those last few were achievements in THIS universe. Didn’t mean to bore you. (I mean, compared to raising dragons…) You can read my muggle resume, complete with mandatory #humblebrag statements, here.
Just looking to contact me? You got it.
You can e-mail me via email@example.com.
You can call the bat phone at 215-206-3689. You can call the back-up bat phone (Haunani, my Director of Other) at 610-216-7224.
You can aim your smoke signals toward P.O. Box 287 East Texas, PA 18046. Because hey, it’ll be a good story to tell the cops when they find me flailing a rug at the raging fire outside the studio, spelling out ‘A-h-o-y-t-h-e-r-e’ in secret decoder smoke.
Best of all, you can submit the nifty contact form right below this text. Hit it!