I made reference to a personal project on the blog a few weeks ago and had no intentions of sharing it. Then my friend Miki encouraged/dared me to share it in the name of being authentic, creating meaning, and being fearless.
The attitude and harsh words, the tough love, the no-nonsense…that’s much easier to create than a blog post that reveals so much of who I am and where I come from and what hurts in my life right this second. But I did it.
Grandma lives in a nursing home. When I found out her possessions were being divided, sorted, and otherwise rummaged through before selling her dormant house, I traveled back to photograph the objects that hold meaning for me. To observe and remember.
I found many things were just the same: the divine light in the kitchen, the bird clock, the jar of spoons on the table (yes, spoons – I never asked why), the grapevines in the backyard. The fixtures, the furniture.
But the tricycles my cousins and I raced around the back porch were gone. The tire swing, the toy yellow telephone I used to place calls to China, the album full of newspaper clippings about my family. The bright red whistle I filled with water to chirp like a bird at all hours of the day and night. The toys we loved that had to stay at Grandma’s house so others could enjoy them, too.
All gone. The beehives buzzing in the backyard, the smell of dinner, the come-in-anytime policy that happens when you grow up a few hundred yards from Grandma’s house.
And Grandma?
I walked in and her eyes lit up. She knew she knew me. She knew she loved me but didn’t know why.
“Oh, it CAN’T be….um…uh…”
“Kristen, Grandma. It’s Kristen. Hi.”
“Yes, Krista. Hi.”
Grandma’s gone, too. She’s lost the present, but I hope she’s gotten to keep her memories of life twenty-something years ago, when her grandkids chased each other around the back porch and caught lightning bugs way past their bedtime. And I pray she knows she is loved by that kind lady who gave her a lingering hug, even if my name never does turn up.
wow kristen…i’m swallowing hard on this one. thank YOU for sharing it. it really highlights the impact that we have one another…no matter how insignificant it can seem at the time. cherish the memories…
Amazing Kristen. Through the time and space that is the internet…a personal connection. Heart-to-heart. Know that your grandmother really does know you. In the place beyond earthly knowing. She knows you and loves you. Now and always.
Thank you for sharing this. It reminds me so much of the things I love about my grandma and her house. What a beautiful personal project.
Kristen,
I completely identify with your post. I was not present, (love the army)when this happened with my grandmother. By the time I was able to return her home had been cleaned out. Nothing left….She thought it was all waiting for her to come home to, as soon as she was doing better. All the memories are what we have of our elders, and these are the memories we pass to our own children so that they can know the grandparents that have gone on… I am so glad you shared your personal project…
This is beautiful – thank you for sharing!
thank you for hanging your feelings out to all us. they are real and really painful and sweet. my mom is approaching her 82nd b-day and I feel what you are going through. thankfully she has her memory. but you are preserving your grandma’s.
Oh, tears in my eyes. Hugs. Thank you for sharing this.
Oh Kristen, I am right there with you. All of my grandparents are gone now, but it was a similar situation and I wish that I had done what you did. Twenty years from now, this will mean even more to you.
Thank you so very much for sharing. I wish I’d had the opportunity to do the same before my grandparents passed away nearly ten years ago.
By the way, my grandmother, too, had spoons on the table — for stirring tea/coffee when visitors came.
Oh Kristen. Big hugs from me to you. Hang on to those memories of lightening bugs in her backyard.
Oh, I’m totally crying, Kristen. Awesome, meaningful, heartfelt post. Loved it. Beautiful.
Your words transported me right back to those great memories of being in my grandma’s house. It’s very bittersweet watching them grow old but the memories will stay alive in you. Thanks for your vulnerability and honesty
You made me stop and think about my own childhood memories with my grandmother. But sadly, I couldn’t really come up with any. We weren’t invited to her home much, due to a family feud that I didn’t understand until recent years. After my uncle passed, 3 years ago this week, she’s been trying to make up for it but I don’t think it could ever be the same. Sad, but I guess such is life…
Lovely post! I wonder if perhaps I should document the house just in case one day, there’s someone who might appreciate it differently.
Oh wow, so beautiful. And so sad and hard. Big hugs.
So sweet. If only I had the chance to do this when my Grandma moved… twice. The first time after my Grandpa passed. She left behind the home we loved with the deep freeze covered in magnets that I played with for hours, the screen door that slammed shut when I ran in and out. The gardens and the flowers. She moved to the city to be near her kids so they could take care of her better. I was a child then and I miss that house. Then the day she moved out of her home again to move into a little room at my parents, and then the nursing home. I wasn’t a photographer then. But I wish I was and I wish I had those pictures. She had a wonderful garden again and trees and flowers. The people who bought the place let them all die. It was so sad. What a touching post and a wonderful idea. – Brandy
Your kind words are so appreciated. Forgive me for not responding individually, but the comments have made me into a mushball. Just know that I’m reading, and I want to hug each of you right now.
What a wonderful idea. Thank you for being brave enough to share. There are so many memories trapped in “places” that we grew up and remember, but don’t think are often important enough to photograph.
girl – we are more alike than i thought. i am going home next month and doing photo sessions with my family, ESPECIALLY Grandma – who lives across the corn field from my parents house. For this exact reason. To document, to show things exactly as they always will be in my heart – no matter what. Way to go for sharing. It’s tough sometimes, but so worth it to know you are not alone. =)
Karyn — Grandma’s house is across the strawberry field and blackberry patch. So glad to hear you’re doing the same thing…::hugs::
This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing!
Heartbreaking and heartwarming all at the same time. Thanks for sharing a piece of you Kristen.
Heartbreaking and heartwarming all at the same time. Thanks for sharing a piece of you Kristen.
I just wanted to say that i am currently (even as i type this) going through this very same situation and it was nice to hear that i am not alone in these feelings and emotions that come during these hard times. Thanks for sharing.